SERIOUSLY, THIS HAS GOT TO BE one of the most difficult years in my adult life emotionally and financially. The instability is insane!

Struggling financially isn’t anything new to me… One moment I’m working with billionaires and millionaires and the next moment I’m scraping my pockets trying to figure out how to get to a job interview with no gas money. That’s the nature of the entertainment business that a lot of people don’t know. Whether you’re an actor or working behind the scenes, until you really “make it” according to society… it can be one big financial roller coaster.

Oh, and don’t try to get a “normal” job during the down times… Remember that blog months and months ago about me beginning my search? Yeah, well… I’m still searching. I can’t even count anymore how many resumes and cover letters I’ve emailed out, how many online applications I’ve filled out over and over again, how many businesses I’ve driven to and walked to with intentions on giving my resume to the manager, how many amazing interviews I’ve been on when I just knew they would call me back… They never did. Seems like my search for a “normal” job never goes well... And this is not the first year I’ve had to search! During the five and a half years of working in film and TV I've had plenty of down times where unemployment checks weren't cutting it, the benefits ran out and my job search seemed to be a waste of time and energy...

My struggle to get a "normal" job exceeds those years though. This goes back to freakin' high school, lol! Which means I can't blame this on the economy. And, I know my work ethic is dope because that's just the type of person I am and it's always been recognized by those in higher positions at pretty much every job I have gotten... Anyway, I did finally land a part-time job at a fitness center, but it’s really like part-time of a part-time job, lol... Seriously, I’m spending more on gas money every month than my monthly gross income soooo, you do the math… Nevertheless, I do enjoy working there :)

Emotionally, well… y’all know about that. I was going through some papers and came across all the down payments and agreements for the wedding (the venue, the photographer, the videographer, the caterer). I also came across all the pics (my dress, my bridesmaid’s dresses, the colors, the flowers, etc)… I could’ve thrown it all away then, but I didn’t (I guess I should've)… I also didn’t cry. I exhaled deeply… but I didn’t cry. Guess that means something…

Changes, changes, changes… While there’s so much to be grateful for... I’m a little sick of being unstable in my career and personal life. After four years I thought something was finally going to be planted and lay a foundation of hope and love for the generations to come… but nah… it… we… weren’t in God’s plans I guess. So now, the instability in a career has doubled my frustration. What keeps me going are my family, the projects I’m involved in and the little things I create. Although, I told God I didn’t want to create anymore. I just wanted to be stable. He hasn’t listened to me though… and I’m glad He hasn’t. He knows me better than I know myself. Perhaps that's why I've been so unstable... Maybe this shift in my life and abundance of rejections is all a part of His plan to teach me and show me who I really am...

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