5 Years Of Me: A New Year's Resolution

December 27, 2010

Wow.  Three more days and 2010 will only be a memory.  Lord willing, I will be moving on to my sixth year out of college.  It doesn’t seem real.  As I sit here typing, I can’t help but to reflect on my life these past five years. 


Five years ago, I was zealous for God and an ambitious twenty-two year old walking down to receive my college diploma.  I was anxious and excited about the celebrative dinner that was to follow my graduation.  As my family sat at the restaurant table congratulating me and presenting me with gifts, I surprised them with my first published book, “Rhythm of Life: Poetic Beats of Maturity and Healing.” 


Two years later, unsatisfied with the book and unsure where my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree was supposed to lead me, I cancelled the book’s publication and sat confident and content at the receptionist desk of a check printing company.  I knew my present place of employment was nothing more than a temporary divine placement by God.  I was touched by the inspirational messages left by the former receptionist, Ms. Faye, who was battling cancer and went to heaven during the time that I was filling in for her.  During the same time, many of the employees feared losing their jobs after receiving the news that the company had been bought out.  I knew I had been placed there to help fill the atmosphere with a little laughter, love and encouragement.  Just as God set the time for me to start the job... several months in, He orchestrated my end date.  Following my final week there, I severed a three-year relationship that became an unhealthy comfort zone for both me and the guy I was dating.  I was moving on.


I started working in the entertainment business as an intern and though I had finally entered the world of my degree, I was positioned in a department not fit for my creativity.  However, I continued to work hard and draining hours, chose to focus on Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future”, and was quickly promoted to a full-time paying position.  Outside of my job, I spent my free time pursuing God and pursuing my non-paying passion of writing.  I wrote down everything I wanted to accomplish: the books, the spoken word CD, the spoken word DVD's, the plays... the list goes on.  After a year of being in the entertainment business, I met a guy who was contracting at the same place of employment.  We quickly connected. 


So here I am, the end of 2010, and the guy and I are still dating.  I have to admit, that while I love him dearly, I often get frustrated with the progression of our relationship.  I'm realizing, that frustration is sometimes triggered when I look at the same list that I wrote in 2007 and am reminded that I've only accomplished one out of ten things in a three year span.  I ask myself, what happened?  And I start to think about all the setbacks in my personal life and career.  I think about the amount of time spent on bringing someone else’s vision into fruition while neglecting my own.  I think about how I went from working in television and film to being unemployed, selling my furniture to pay bills, then becoming a waitress and carrying a negative attitude to work every single day; totally out of my character.  I think about the times when I wanted to give my all and the anger that came from giving my all too soon.  I think about the day that Ichose to be happy in spite of my circumstances.  The day when I remembered God’s promise, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.”  When I decided to change my attitude and be the best doggone waitress I could be, God completely turned my situation around.  And over a year later, although I’ve still only accomplished one out of ten things on my list, I can honestly say that it's God’s favor that's placed me back in the entertainment business and in a position that's sure to catapult the achievement of all of my goals and more, on a level that’s bigger than any I’ve ever imagined.    


But... still... yesterday, I stayed in my bed almost all day feeling sorry for myself.  I woke up at 11:30, cried myself back to sleep at 2:30 and didn’t wake up again until 6:00 in the evening.  Why in the world am I so down?  Well, it's simple.  I’ve been abandoning my source of joy, God.  I've been going to church every week, but going to church alone has never satisfied my spiritual craving for God's love.  I need Him daily because I love Him so dearly.  But I haven't been pursuing him daily like that twenty-two year old did in 2005.  But now is the time... for a spiritual shift.


It’s three more days until 2011, and I am an ambitious twenty-seven year old, working toward the completion of a book of love poems, in love with a guy whom I would eventually to like to marry and trying to renew a relationship with God. My prayer is that my focus shifts back to pleasing Him.  I recently found a Post-It that I saved with Ms. Faye's handwriting.  It read, “I have held many things in my hands and lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God’s hands those I still possess.”  2011 is a year of giving myself back to God, allowing Him to use me and placing all my worries, my dreams and my plans in His hands.  Holy Spirit, I pray for your help.  In Jesus’ Name.  Amen.



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